I'm going to get right to it this time. But a warning is necessary. This is probably going to be depressing. This is not for the light hearted. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm looking for somewhere to vent, and this seems like the spot for me.
I was decorating my room today. I was moving pictures around and putting up tickets and photoplus pictures up on my walls, when I came across a letter I'd written a few months ago on my cork board. It was addressed to a friend of mine which I'm not close to anymore. I recalled what I'd written. Just the usual; 'If I ever get abducted by aliens or Batman, barge into my room and get my Emily the Strange box and keep it. Never giving it to anyone. Just burn it.' Just so you know, that box has letters and notes that I've saved and might be embarrassing for the people that are mentioned.
So I took the letter and thought; 'What the hell. Read it before it goes into that very box, into the 'Never sent' pile.' I knew when I wrote that letter that I was never going to send it. But I wrote it anyway.
I opened the letter and read. I was sitting down and my breath hitched. My heart was going faster. My leg was shaking involuntarily. My breathing quickened drastically. All this happened just by reading something I'd written myself.
I was wrong. It wasn't the letter I'd thought it was. It was the letter my mind had blocked for my memories. It was the letter I'd written when I was at my weakest and my strongest, when I was most in agony and pure bliss.
At that moment I remembered how I felt physically when I wrote it. The actual pain I was feeling then. None of that emotional pain. I could actually feel my chest squeezing. Like little fists punching against it HARD. I couldn't breath. Everywhere else it was almost numb, making my torsos pain 100 times worse.
I know this because as I read that little two page letter, I could feel it again.
How did I live through more then a year with this pain? How did I hide it? Was it always this bad? Then I saw the date. The 4th of May 2008.
About a week after I'd written that, I committed one of the worse mistakes of my life.
Now I'm just confused. I was so ready to not put on a fake smiling face and make it a real one.
But now everything is fucked up again! Before I had a reason to be angry. Now I can't even remember why I'm angry, but I am. I can't help but be painfully angry. There is no reason to be. People that know everything say that what happened is a valid reason. But I know it's not.
Sorry for this depressing block of junk, but I feel parochially better now. Okay. That was a lie. But I thought it would've helped. Ah well.
-AntidoteForTheViolentHills
3 comments:
Whoa.
Well AFTVH,
Even when you write about topics as sad as your own problems and Batman, you still inspire me. Never take advantage of the talents you have been given, and anyone who doesn't recognise or respect that, or anyone who makes you feel like that isn't worth knowing.
Love always,
electrictea
AntidoteForTheViolentHills,
Just replying to the lovely comment you left on my last blog. You see, thats the thing about how different you are from my other friends. My supposed friends don't hold me. Not the way I would hold them if something happened to them. I feel like I'm trapped with them, when it is real friends like you and Nashii that I want to spend my lunchtimes with. I'm just so, so trapped. I also fucked up, as you'll read in my latest blog. So trapped. I can't get out AFTVH. I want to exit it all.
Solemnly yours,
Electrictea
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